Out with the old, in with the new

The urge for a change

Changes can trigger insecurities, I tackle them with shaving off my hair. Well not shave, more like Sinead o´Connor style. I call it the Kiwi haircut.First time I got the urge was when I got divorced.

Frida Kahlo

Frida Kahlo, made this self-portrait, after her divorce with Diego Rivera. She holds the scissors in her hand and the hair is on the floor around her. What she depicts there is for me a therapeutic act. Beginning of something new. The months after my divorce I had to renew things. I had to throw things that were associated with bad memories or somehow triggered a queasy feeling. I was like a mad person while the process lasted. There was a garbage shaft on my floor, 3rd floor.  I saw something, down it went. This  could happen many times a day. I did not want to give these things away because I found them to be loaded with bad karma. Karma I did not want to pass on. But some clothes made it to the thrift store. All jewelry was melted.   I even had to throw the wall to wall carpet out and put in a new one with help from my big sister. The kind of sister that is there in everyone’s distress.

Weight lifted off my shoulders!

The relief when the process was finished was a bliss. It is very therapeutic to break things. It was satisfying to hear them break when I threw them from the third floor.

The funny thing is that when I got married again I got the urge to shave off the hair again. I wanted to make sure my husband to be would take me, the whole me without make up and hairdo. And he did, I had next to no makeup and no hair and he still married me. The ceremony was a scary deal for me. Even though I had moved it from the church into our backyard. I had to wear my brave mask the whole time I was scared to death. Something I did not admit to my husband until we had been married for two years!

A symptom of the dysfunction of a codependent is listed as ;  I  was  embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. Yeah! think about entering your own wedding embarrassed to receive praise and gifts! I was in so much denial I did not have a place for the guests to put  gifts on. I survived the day, thanks to my «everything is fine» mask.

My husband and I are polar opposites. He wanted a big church wedding and to put on a show. I wanted to be the church mouse in the back. But no can do. I was the main attraction , the woman in the white dress (creamy really).

A friend explained to me that the kiwi haircut before the wedding was because I was starting something new. I have done this one more time since. Then I was in some sort of transition period at my work and I wanted to go back to school. I was having some doubts about my career and then off went the hair!

So in with the new and fresh and out with the old.

One breath at a time, on this good friday,

My thoughts are with my 12 step friends that are attending a big healing rally today.


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