Facing the fear of not being worthy.

I am a sucker for good storytellers. It does not ruin the experience if they are smart and gifted too. Brené Brown is one of these gems that has shared her research on TED. She is spot on how the people who have;

1. Sence of courage to be imperfect


2.Embrace vulnerability

Are the ones that believe they are worthy. This is the opposite of  a codependent like me. I believed that I was not worthy untill I learned that I was,  by taking the steps of the  CODA  program. But I was damn good faking it.  I had to take down the mask and face my fears. I entered a really hard masters program. Many of the people there were professionals. What I saw watching them is that they admitted their mistakes, they laughed at their failures. I had tried really hard to keep face. Not show my weaknesses. How on earth could I do all the things that I was doing if I was going to be emotional?

But there comes a time we have to give up. Embrace the little boy´s and girls inside us. Abandoned, neglected, hurt. And let them be what they are. With positive traits and the negative as well. I have learned that my character defects were my defense mechanisms. I was not ready to face them until my child was really ill. I was willing to let go of my codependence because if I was going to be of any use to my son, I could not be codependent. It was not an option. But that was how far I was willing to go. I could easily have died . Repressing my feelings and overwork until I fell down . I was beginning to feel the serious effect that stress has on the body. Emotional stress and work related stress. I was doing too many things. If my son had not got seriously ill. I would probably have worked myself to death. (In the end) My husband had tried to get me to do something about my codependence since we met. But no! I had to wait and  watch myself get eaten up from inside until the call came from the hospital. Only then I could rise up as the lioness protecting her young. I was willing to be healthy for my son. That is why I thank for his substance abuse. It helped me get onto the path of recovery.

I am worthy, and I am blessed.


5 responses to “Facing the fear of not being worthy.

  1. I came a cross your blog and think it is awesome! I would like to nominate you for The Versatile Blogger Award. You can read about it here http://annesturetucker.com/2012/04/13/snapping-glimpses-of-my-morning-runs-and-another-award/
    Hope you have a great weekend!

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